Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
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If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Someone just threatened to call me later
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.