“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
You Might Also Like
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
no!! no!!!!!!
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”