Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
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ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
The struggle is real.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?