#SuperBowl
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Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.