My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
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Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Very problematic
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.