Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
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I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*