Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
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My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
2022 will be better than 2021
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring