Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
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I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do