FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
You Might Also Like
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes