Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
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My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.