Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
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News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
A fake ID that makes you younger
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Best seat on the street 😍
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Well, that should do it
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
😂😂😂😂😂😂
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.