I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
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Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.