This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
You Might Also Like
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?