Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
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Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.