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GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Whisper out to librarians!
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this