Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
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World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
the chicken was already gone when I got here
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon