My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
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Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same