thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
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{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
giddy up Office Depot
Happy Febuary everyone!
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”