My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
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Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Don’t frighten the programmers!
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.