Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
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[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”