My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
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1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.