{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
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Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure