Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
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I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Breaking news:
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Liquor Store Parking
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.