There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
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Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
bad news gang
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
One venti cheeseburger please.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.