Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
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*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.