Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
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Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.