The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
You Might Also Like
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Blew my mind.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
wishing you and yours all the best
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Mhm.