How do I rate our solar system?
One star
You Might Also Like
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?