“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
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Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Does your wife know you’re single?
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.