Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
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Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
kitchen magnet
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Shortcut
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
oh my god
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.