I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
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Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail