suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
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[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Are you ok, human???
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.