“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
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Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Go girl power!
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.