My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
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*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
This story is comedy gold 😂
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?