I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
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The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
classic mixup
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.