*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
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[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
you stereotypes are all alike
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
They got Raph!
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner