Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
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Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
…żyje?
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash