Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
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My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.