I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
You Might Also Like
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”