“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
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I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.