We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
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The future is now.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Saturday
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….