You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
You Might Also Like
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
What personal space?
My dog
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered