Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
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him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Snapes on a plane.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Leaving the Barbers like
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok