[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
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Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
You have been warned.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(