WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
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My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
The real reason evolution started..😂
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.