Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
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If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
When I grow up, I want to be 16