heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
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NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Just say no
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.