Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
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Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
The Backseat Boys
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?