Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
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no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
not seeing the problem
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.