*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
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Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo